We’re coming up to the final days of January 2025, for me it’s been a month of finding out more about myself – who doesn’t want to spend the most depressing month of the year navel gazing?! While there have definitely been some really uncomfortable, hard AF moments, I’ve also gained some clarity and started to figure out what steps I want to take next. The most difficult part of those next steps? Asking for help…
As an eldest daughter and equine vet who has masked her way through a lot of life, asking for help often feels like failure. The narrative in my head tells me I should be able to do it all on my own, if I can’t I’m not working hard enough, oh and I should also be helping everyone else at the same time and if I don’t do that well enough then I’m completely useless… Anyone else relate?
Throughout childhood, school, university and my career I was praised and recognised for getting on with things on my own and when I asked for help I was often ignored, dismissed or left out. Asking for support with practical essentials was hard enough, I remember being belittled for wanting a second opinion on cases or a nurse to support me with procedures. So when it came to the hard stuff and I asked for help when I was struggling with workplace stress and burnout and I was told to “just have a glass of wine and get over it like everyone else”… I felt like I was broken, there was something wrong with me for needing help and I should be ashamed of myself. That’s not even mentioning some of the comments I’ve had from friends when I’ve been having a hard time and wanted support from them.
Sadly I know I’m not alone in these difficulties, here are some things I wish I’d known sooner:
Asking for help is one of the most courageous things you can do
To quote Brené Brown “The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.”
We can’t demand help, as much as we might want to, we can only ask for it and in doing so we share that we have a challenge we’re facing that we’re not sure we can do on our own. For many of us, sharing that feels awful and it might previously have caused us pain. So to ask for help… takes A LOT of guts. Wimps don’t ask for help, they ignore the problem and hope it goes away.
Not everyone will be able to help you in the way that you need
And that DOES NOT reflect on you, that reflects on them and their capacity, skillset, emotional intelligence and maturity.
If someone asked me to help them change a tyre – I’m there (several flat tyres as a student mean I’m an excellent tyre changer). However if someone asked me to help them with an excel spreadsheet – nope 100% no. Same applies to all sorts of other situations. Someone else’s ability to respond to your request is not a reflection on you or the request it’s a reflection of their ability.
With this knowledge we can start to consider who we might ask for help and when and then be kind to ourselves if they’re not able to support us.
People aren’t mind readers, we need to actually ask
If I had a pound for every time I wanted someone to help me and expected them to show up without asking… I could probably retire early.
Learning to actually ask and how to ask is something I’m still working on but definitely an area I’m making progress in. Non-violent communication has been a tool that’s really helped me with a framework for how I can ask for help in a way that is most likely to lead to connection. I’ll be honest, currently the only person I practice this with are my husband and the very very closest of friends, there are still a lot of people it feels incredibly scary to ask for help. But as the saying goes, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
It’s ok if people say no
Similar to the above point but previously I would have thought it’s the end of the world if I didn’t get the help I needed from the person I asked for it from (ok end of the world might be an exaggeration but you know what I mean). I would take it as a personal rejection and find that extremely difficult to handle.
Slowly I’m learning to develop a greater sense of self trust. I’m learning that whilst it’s good to ask for help I can also trust myself to deal with whatever the response is (this is different to just thinking you should do it all on your own). A lot of this has been trying to develop a sense of safety in my body, not something that has come naturally (#iykyk).
Most of us love being asked to help someone
The majority of us would jump at the chance to help someone we love it we’re able to do it. It gives us a sense of connection and actually raises our self-esteem by recognising that we have skills that can support someone else.
So maybe by not asking we’re actually denying a loved one of the opportunity to feel good…
As we go forward into the rest of the year I would love if we all just asked for help a little bit more.
Want to know what I can help you with other than changing tyres? Get in touch.