And what I’m doing for my birthday this year that I’ve not really told anyone about
There’s something that runs through all of our lives to greater or lesser extents that many of us don’t really like to talk about. If I’m being honest, I don’t think we want to acknowledge its presence at all. A lot of us might feel like it shouldn’t be there, that we’re not worthy of it, that it’s something to be ignored, minimised and swept under the rug.
I’m talking about grief.
This weekend my birthday present to myself is a grief retreat on the edge of Dartmoor.
Now before you stop reading because you don’t think this blog will apply to you because you’re not “grieving”, I’m going to ask you to bear with me. I promise it will become more apparent how prevalent grief is for all of us (and if that feels uncomfortable to read, I’m going to ask you to be brave and sit with that discomfort for the few more minutes it will take you to read to the end).
My appreciation for grief started just over a year ago when a lovely friend lent me Francis Weller’s book “The Wild Edge of Sorrow”. At the time I was going through a bereavement and had mixed feelings about my feelings (very meta I know). In the book we are introduced to the Five Gates of Grief and through learning about these I began to understand that maybe grief is a closer companion than I had previously realised.
The Five Gates of Grief are:
1. Everything we love, we will lose – this gate acknowledges that none of us can escape the loss associated with illness, change or death.
2. The Places that have not known love – through this gate we can see that there are parts of us that we have kept hidden from others, often wrapped in shame and the pain associated with not feeling loved as our whole selves.
3. The Sorrows of the world – here we acknowledge that we’re part of something far larger than ourselves and the loss and damage to other living beings impacts us as a collective.
4. What we expected and did not receive – the unmet dreams, the sense of belonging that never arrived, the care we needed and didn’t get. Through this 4th gate we mourn what we hoped we’d have but didn’t.
5. Ancestral grief – in this we recognise that we carry the stories and pain of those who came before us. Here we untangle and understand those inherited wounds.
As I type those out, I can hear the eye rolls from my office in Devon. I understand that a few of those may sound a bit woo-woo and a bit self-indulgent for some and I think this blog is partly to challenge that mindset.
Lately I’ve had a few reminders of the importance of grief and its link with getting unstuck.
I have the privilege of running Moving Forward courses for Breast Cancer Now, these courses are for people navigating life after primary breast cancer. We always have a variety of individuals in the room raging in ages from 30s to 70s, who have had different types of breast cancer and undergone different treatment protocols, as well as having different family and professional backgrounds. Yet so many of them experience similar mental and emotional challenges with a very common theme being the difficulty of wishing for the life they had before their cancer diagnosis. Often the time we spend together is the first time they realise that they have permission to grieve the life that they thought they’d have, the time they’ve lost, the friendships and relationships that didn’t support them in the way they needed and appreciate the deep sadness and compassion that they have for others who have been through similar life challenges. I then get to delight in observing them go through the process; as they acknowledge and allow this to be with them, they also begin to see that good things lie ahead of them, they don’t have to stay feeling like this forever.
Then a few weeks ago I listened to Michael Bungay Stanier’s talk on Hard Change as part of the coaching.com summit. One point that particularly stuck with me was that when working with hard changes vs easy changes often the first step to making that hard change is allowing the grief for the status quo. This resonated hugely on both a personal level and with what I see in my coaching clients.
It is rare that my clients don’t get tearful at some point in our coaching journey. I hope that my skills and understanding ensure that this is in a safe and supportive way, however it’s incredibly natural to get upset about the way things are or have been. Sitting with that grief instead of pushing it away can be so pivotal when it comes to making change. I think allowing grief to come up is such a key part of the acceptance that I spoke about in a previous blog and without it our transformation can only go so far.
So, my question to you today is what might you need to grieve in order to move forward? This can be big or small, something that you can do on your own or something that it might be worth working with a professional on.
To avoid a vulnerability hangover, I’m not going to tell you, dear reader who I might never have met, all the reasons for my grief and why I’m attending the grief retreat this weekend. I will just leave you with the thought that many individuals who are far more educated and understanding of these matters than myself have helped me see the value in tending to my grief. I hope this piece goes a small way to supporting you with acknowledging yours so you can start making those shifts that you’ve been longing for.