The difference between “I can’t do that” and “that’s not for me.”
During one of my recent coaching sessions a client said to me: “I can’t do that.” We had focused the session on an opportunity she’d been presented with recently and she was sharing the possible future impact she might be able to have if she took it. There was the potential that she could lead the way in an area that’s still evolving in her industry.
When we discussed how that would mean putting herself out there and her head above the proverbial parapet, she hesitated. There were beliefs that she had about herself and others and what might happen if she did that and how she’d cope.
As most coaches would, I challenged her on those beliefs, got her to consider what it would be like if they were different. We spent a few moments there with some reflection and then she said something different, “that’s not for me.”
This particular client is beautifully self-aware, has already done significant self-exploration and was coming to the wonderful realisation of how she works best when she’s more herself. This comes with very different energy to “I can’t do that.”
It’s incredibly powerful when we get clear on who we are, how we work best, what’s really important to us right now. We can lean into our own zone of genius and not only does everything feel good to us, but often we can serve others way more impactfully and effectively too.
Compare this to not pursuing something because you don’t believe you could do it. Here we’re more fear driven, we’re avoiding a situation rather than being drawn to another one. Ultimately it’s our brain trying to keep us safe, but often it’s using outdated information.
Stop and think for a second, when you don’t go after something you really want because you don’t feel you could get it, what are the voices in your head telling you? That you’re not skilled enough, not knowledgeable enough, not resilient enough? Too sensitive, too flaky, too lazy? As you focus on those thoughts it’s worth reflecting on when you started believing that? Because no baby comes out of the womb thinking any of those things.
Those beliefs that we hold about ourselves and others are information we’ve taken in, often when we were really young (evidence shows many of our core beliefs are formed by around the age of 7). Wouldn’t it be heart breaking if you missed out on following a life-long dream because of something an over-whelmed, burnt out primary school teacher told you? How sad would it be if the world didn’t get to witness your genius because of a few words that your parent said when they were tired and angry and struggling to deal with their emotions?
One of the magical things that happens in coaching is that we get to rewrite this. Together we work to help you recognise what BS your brain is telling you and we give it updated information so it can learn to be more supportive. It doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and effort for the new neural connections to form and strengthen. However the impact that it can have on you and those around you can be pretty phenomenal.
When we combine that with what I mentioned earlier, getting clear on who you are, how you work and what’s important to you, things start to shift. Those dreams can become goals which can become reality. You can lean into being your truly brilliant self and then it’s easier to walk away from opportunities that, even if they seem all shiny and exciting, just aren’t for you.
So my question for you, what are you missing out on? Is that something that might be great for someone else but ultimately isn’t your thing or what you want or need right now? Or are you telling yourself you couldn’t do it, even though you really really want to?
If it’s the former – amazing, this is a great opportunity to reflect on what is important to you right now, maybe revisiting (or exploring) your values, or doing some journaling.
If it’s the later – what are the voices in your head telling you? Is there real, factual evidence that what they’re saying is true? Would you like to believe and think differently? If so, it might be worth considering coaching, just saying.
Know someone who might appreciate or need this blog post right now? I’d be so grateful if you shared it so more people can stop missing out.