What I wish I knew years ago
I’ve done a couple of social media posts on burnout this week and as I was writing the one that’s scheduled for today (Friday 29th August) a few alarm bells went off in my head. I talk about the 12 stages of burnout and it was a bit of a slap in the face if I’m honest – the frustrating reality that I’m not quite where I want to be.
But/and I can reflect on how far I’ve come.
Which got me thinking, what would have been helpful to know all those years ago. This month’s blog topic was quite a last minute decision so bear with me, who knows where my ramblings might takes us…
- I wish I’d known how much of it was about me.
This is possibly a controversial point that won’t sit comfortably with many, I know only too well how influential your work place and manager can be on your wellbeing (studies have suggested they have as much influence as your spouse and more than your doctor or therapist). However blaming everyone else just took away my agency, enhanced my victim mindset and made me feel powerless.
There’s such a tricky line to tread when it comes to taking responsibility for oneself in burnout; too much so and you think it’s all your fault, you’re broken, doomed and feel like a piece of sh**, too little and you miss out on seeing the opportunities for personal growth.
For me a component of my experience (because burnout is a hugely complex and individual journey) was the belief that I wasn’t good enough. I was constantly seeking external validation, normally from people who didn’t have the leadership skills or emotional intelligence to provide it in a supportive way anyway. It also really drove me to “do more” in the hope that somehow doing enough would make me be enough. Spoiler alert – none of this helped.
To really move away from the burnout cycle I think you have to start accepting yourself for who you are and dare I say learning to love yourself? Cheesy I know, also one of the hardest personal growth challenges many of us will face (if we’re brave enough to). Blaming it all on everyone else was never going to help with this.
- There is no such thing as a quick fix, just a quick way to spend your money.
Now I know you’ll hear stories of people who did a six week programme or had a single session with a healing professional (I use that word loosely here) or stopped eating gluten and they were immediately 100% better and had more energy than ever. But please be aware that burnout is often multifactorial and complex and so it’s rare that recovery is quick or simple.
As I write this I realise I feel slightly hypocritical, my improvement from one period of burnout did feel a bit like hitting a light switch – I recognised just how much fear exacerbated my symptoms and the hope and optimism that came from signing up to my coaching diploma really pulled me out of it, for a while…
But… the physiological processes your body and brain need to go through for long lasting recovery take time. Often it’s years of stress that have built up to get someone into that burnt out state, do we really think that’s going to resolve in 2 weeks?
Also part of burnout recovery is unlearning the patterns of behaviour that got you there in the first place. To recover and stay well normally takes some work.
I also promise that I tried A LOT – acupuncture, diet trial, expensive supplements, meditation, yoga, craniosacral therapy, Mickel therapy, psychotherapy, homeopathy, physiotherapy, the Perrin Technique (the osteopath I went to for this also hovered some CDs with the resonance of certain viruses and parasites on them over me to see if I needed any treatment for those – I’m becoming more open minded but even this was too much for me) and more. Don’t get me wrong, I think many of these were helpful in some ways but they didn’t give me the quick turn around many of them promised to and I spent thousands of pounds in the process.
- If you want to, you can learn a lot about yourself and other people.
Goodness me have I learnt a lot?! From attachment styles to polyvagal theory to non violent communication to trauma responses to neurodivergence to neuroscience and nervous system regulation and probably a lot more besides.
The understanding I now have feels like a real gift that’s come out of the challenge.
The impact this has had? Recognising when it’s my stuff to own and when it’s someone else’s and learning that you don’t need to carry other people’s baggage for them. Which leads me on to point 4…
- Not everyone is going to get it or stick with you through it.
Learning that people don’t often show up in the way that you want them to is hard. I think many of us know this to some extent but significant life challenges just shine an incredibly bright light on it.
There are some things than unless someone has been through it, or has been incredibly close to someone else who has, are really really difficult to empathise with.
We’re not very good in the modern, western world at exploring the depths of ourselves and to support someone who is in the state of collapse that burnout can bring is challenging and uncomfortable.
I had friends who ghosted me, friends who told me they’d probably rather avoid me than sit in the mud with me, colleagues who were more harmful than supportive.
Thankfully now I can see that most of it was about them, their discomfort, their lack of understanding and compassion. Accepting this has felt hard but quite empowering at the same time. I wish that acceptance had come a bit quicker, it would have saved a lot of heartache.
- Things can get better.
There have been times where I didn’t believe this was a possibility. When you try so many different things and they don’t have the effect you were hoping for it can be so hard to stay optimistic.
It might take time, some investment in yourself, finding the right support network but gradually things can start to shift. You get to see the you that you’d forgotten about, that bright spark starts to come back.
Well that brings me to the end of this month’s musings. I hope someone finds them in some way helpful. And if you’d like to make sure you don’t miss future posts then hit the button below:
I think finding coaching was one of the biggest support pieces for me – the space to question the beliefs I had about myself and others, consider what’s really important to me, figure out what helps – it wasn’t instant but it’s helped a lot. I’m always happy to chat about my experiences or coaching so please do reach out if it would be at all helpful for you – sophie@sophieeaden.co.uk